I could feel the burn of hot tears lingering in my eyes, waiting to spill out onto my cheeks. Waiting to flow as soon as the gates were opened and they were free from where they’ve been trapped for months, waiting for the time to fall.

My husband had just gone to the ER again, this time while I was in another state. It was the third time in 45 days. I’d just worked nonstop for several days, doing a job that I didn’t even know I’d taken.

I was tired. I was stressed. I was worried about the future and upset by the present.

I didn’t want these tears. I’m on an airplane with a bunch of strangers and a few new friends. Is now really the time for this?

I feel so many good, warm feelings and so many hard, trying ones at the same time.

We hit some turbulence and I turned up one of the 5 songs I have downloaded to my phone. I laid my head back, tired of holding it up, which feels like a metaphor for my life right now. Turbulence and exhaustion. Maybe that’s the name of the memoir I’ll write someday. I squeeze my eyes closed more tightly, begging the tears to stay put. Let’s agree to save these for later in the week, ok? Please?

When I land from this plane, I have a husband to care for. A husband that can’t get around very easily post-surgery. A husband that I’ve missed very much and I know has missed me too. I have two kids waiting on me to arrive. Kids who are excited to pick me up from the airport.

Even though my body screams at me that it’s time to rest, I know this isn’t the time. My people are waiting and have missed me. There will be stories from the week to hear, food to prepare, and clothes to wash. I’ll roll from my role of this past week, right into another one.

I wear a lot of hats these days and while each is a different style, I love them all. Sometimes, I switch back and forth between the cloche of real estate to the ball cap of step-motherhood within seconds. Sometimes I’m wearing the floppy hat of new marriage and sometimes it’s something sophisticated for my writing life. Sometimes, it’s a hard hat for navigating hurricanes and ER visits.

Always though — I keep the hats close by, ready to switch from one important one to the other.

You might wear a lot of hats too. Some hats you might love, while others you wear out of necessity. Sometimes, the switching of them might steal away your energy. You might feel tired from the constant change of your persona. You might feel the urge to cry hot tears on an airplane.

These feelings are ok. You’re doing a good job. You deserve a little break and time to rest for a bit while your messy hair blows in the breeze uncovered. Free from the trappings of the hats you wear everyday.

Who you are underneath all the hats is a beautiful, strong, and capable soul. You’re a warrior. A fighter. A total badass. Even without the hats, you are worthy.

So today, if you need to peel away whatever hat you’re wearing at the moment, feel free to. Sit that hat to the side for just a moment and feel the sweet relief of just being yourself. Let your hair blow in the wind untethered. Feel the
sunshine on your face. (But don’t forget the sunscreen. Sunspots on your face are a real bitch in your thirties.)

Sit it all down for a second, sister. You deserve a break. You can pick up all the hats in a minute. For now, just rest and enjoy sitting with your hatless self. Sometimes, this is what you need most.