I’m about to have another birthday. I have a fun post planned for my actual birthday and for now, I want to talk about my expectations of where I thought I’d be at 34 years old.

There are so many things I thought I’d have done by now. I always thought I’d have kids by 32. There was no special reason for that number, just a subconscious thought I had. I thought I’d be more settled. I thought everything in my work would be systematic. I thought I’d have a hefty retirement account. I thought I’d not accidentally overdraw my bank account anymore. (Simple mistake…stop judging.) I thought people would respect me and I’d have clear boundaries. I thought I’d have stopped people-pleasing. I thought I’d shop for whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted. I thought I’d have a big, pretty house full of people.

My 34 year old reality is much different than what I thought it would be. It’s not worse; it’s just different. I’m divorced and downsized in the home area. I have gray hair and no children of my own. I have two dogs that live at my house, one that’s the size of a small horse. I don’t have most things figured out, and instead, I often feel much more confused. I do care marginally less about what people think of me, and yet, that progress isn’t enough to really brag about. I thought I’d have leveled out emotionally and the truth is, I’ve had more heartache than I ever imagined. Not only does my life not look like what I envisioned it would be, I also can’t really tell you where it’s headed next.

When I first began to think about these things, I was tempted to feel disappointment, like I had failed the younger version of myself. How could I be 34 years old and have so little to show for it?

I forced myself to think harder about this. What emotions could be on the other side of that disappointment? What are reasonable expectations to have and what are unreasonable? What do I truly care about achieving?

Today, as I write this, I want peace. I want peace within myself around who I am and who I am not. I want peace in my tiny corner of the world, both in my environments and in my relationships. I want security and stability and to both give and receive love unconditionally. I want my value in this world to not be based on what I do, and instead on who I am.

If I could go back and give my younger self a pep talk, the first thing I’d challenge her to do is to stop trying to figure it all out. Even now, I still fret over not knowing what’s next and how the pieces will fall into play. I think of the years I’ve stressed over this and it seems like so much wasted energy.

I’d say something like, “Sweet girl, you have NO IDEA how many things will play out in the coming years. There’s no way to plan ahead for any of it. Just do what you can do today. Tomorrow will handle itself.”

I’d tell myself to focus on making myself happy and to stop waiting on someone else to do it. I’d say that I have to love and care for myself before I can love and care for anyone else. I’d make sure I understood that “tired” and “busy” are not badges of honor. I’m valuable, even when I don’t get things done. Most importantly, I’d remind myself that I’m doing a wonderful job. The best job. 

I’d say that while beautiful, marriage and babies and nice houses aren’t true markers of success. You don’t have to have any of those to have a wonderful life. I’d work hard to unwind the years of programming that tell me otherwise. You can have them and be wildly happy, but it’s not a requirement. You are enough, even without those things. I’d place my hands on both of her shoulders and preach these things at her until she got it. You are not a failure if you’re not married and don’t have babies, even when it’s the only things people ask you about. Stop letting people make you feel this way. 

Looking at how much has transpired in the last 10 years, I truly can’t imagine where I’ll be as I approach my 44th birthday, 10 years from now. Based on what I’ve learned, I think I won’t fret over it. I’ll set some goals and dream some dreams, and then I’ll focus on what I can do today.

If we were all sitting in a room together, I’d ask for a show of hands for how many people’s lives look entirely differently today than they did 10 years ago. How many truly believed things would look differently. I’d ask how many were completely blindsided by the events that transpired, never expecting things to play out in the way they did. I think it would be the majority of us. 

With us launching into a new decade, we’ve been forced to think back on the last 10 years. The girl from 2010 is so wildly different than the woman writing you in early 2020. That girl could have spilled out a list of how she’d expect those 10 years to play out and yet she’d never have dreamed it would go as it did. They say you grow and develop the most in your twenties and that must be true because I hardly recognize that young woman now. 

You might not have a birthday coming up, as I do. Even so, if this voyage into a new decade has made you feel unaccomplished or disappointed, you don’t have to feel that way. I’d be willing to bet that most of us aren’t as far along in life as we’d have hoped. Most of us probably feel some disappointment over not having as many things checked off the list. That’s ok though. Most of us have still grown tremendously. Most of us are way better versions of ourselves today than we were 10 years ago. Most of us happier, healthier, and much more settled in to who we are. 

I often say “it is what it is.” This is a scenario where that little phrase rings true. I’m almost 34, divorced, and living in a house with no dishwasher and it simply “is what it is.” While not at all what I dreamed up for my life, I love the person that I am because of it all. I am thankful for having grown so much, even if it was through a pressure cooker. (Can I request a crockpot next time?) I’m about to be 34 and I’ll launch into this 34th year living a life that I never saw coming. A life that’s very different than what my younger self dreamed up for me. Dare I say, it’s a better, more fulfilled, happier life?

Here’s to a new year, a new decade, a year older that’s full of contentment and happiness, regardless of how differently it looks from what you expected. It is what it is, and we might as well make the most of it.