Today is my birthday.
Several months ago, I thought I’d write something eloquent about “37 things I’ve learned” and share it on my birthday. But then the days – much like these 37 years – passed more quickly than I was expecting and I didn’t write anything profound.
I said I wanted to write more words this year, so I sat down with a heat wrap around my neck and began typing. **I pulled a muscle in my neck by coughing too hard last week and it still hurts. That’s really what I’ve learned about life. You pull muscles by doing normal life things at age 37.**
I don’t think this post will change your life or inspire you in any way, but it’s words on a “page” and I want more of that this year, so thanks for hanging in there.
I tend to look back and reflect more on my birthday than I do on January 1. Maybe it’s because my birthday is so close to the New Year.
As I look back on this last year, I see such a conflicting combination of joy and heartache. This will be the first year that my Mama doesn’t wish me a happy birthday. This will be the first year she doesn’t plan to take me to lunch and then cancel.
One of the main things I learned in this last trip around the sun is to spend time with the people you love. Even the ones you have a complicated relationship with. People always told me I’d miss my mom when she was gone. In those more difficult moments, I didn’t really appreciate that sentiment. Now, I see they were right. When someone is gone forever, you will miss them and grieve, even if you sometimes struggled with the relationship.
In the midst of heartache and exhaustion, I also had some of my very best days this last year. I have loved being a mom. It has been so fun to watch this little boy grow and learn, and having him is probably the best thing I’ve ever done. Even when he refuses to sleep (like last night), I’m so thrilled to be on this journey as his mom.
If I had to sum up what I’ve learned lately into one thought I’d say this – most of the time, life isn’t either/or. It’s both. It’s heartache and joy, simultaneously. I’ve known this for several years and this past year really solidified this truth – life isn’t black or white. Instead, there’s a whole spectrum of gray.
This last year, I’ve learned (rather clunkily) how to continue to live along the gray. Black and white would be easier but we rarely get that luxury.
As I look forward to what’s ahead, I intend to focus on that “more” list I shared last week. More time with the people I love because life is indeed so, so short. More words. More playtime. More laughter.
With each passing year, I’m reminded of the brevity of life. Of how quickly it can all be over. This is not a trial run or a dress rehearsal. One of my favorite quotes from Mary Oliver is, “What is it you intend to do with this one wild and precious life?” This year, I intend to run everything through that filter. I intend to do more of the good stuff and less of the nonsense.
One of the beautiful things about your late 30s, is that you begin to care so little about what “they” think. I am fully living into this new reality! I intend to make the most of this one precious life of mine. I intend to see the world, to spend time with the people I love, to wear more leggings and comfy shoes, and to completely disregard what anyone else thinks about it all!
I’m going to love big, even when it’s scary. I’m going to work on forgiving more quickly. To hold my plans a little more loosely. This year, I want to collect memories and experiences like it’s my job. if I don’t want to do something, I’m probably not going to. (My apologies if it’s you who asked me to do the thing I don’t want to do. My 80 year old self said I didn’t have to.)
I’m too scared to look upon 2023 and my 37th year with too much ambition. I’ve been burned that way before. There’s a post here somewhere here where I claimed “THIS IS MY YEAR” and then my house flooded and I ended up divorced and I don’t think that ended up being “my year” at all.
Rather than making such a bold statement and being burned again, I’ll say this – this is the year where I’m getting serious about doing some things differently. This is the year where I intend to recover from a lot of heartbreak and to use that heartbreak to make some changes in my day to day life.
My 37th year might not be the “best one yet” and I am committing to at least giving it hell! Thank you – from the bottom of my crumbly heart – to each and everyone of you who has followed along on this wild ride with me. Thank you for the support and the encouragement. You should know that it’s been your love and kind words that have kept me fighting some days. THANK YOU.
Here’s to year 37!
*If you’d like to look back on some more thoughtful birthday posts, you might like to read these: 32 fun facts from year 32, 34 fun facts from year 34, and some birthday encouragement for the one who isn’t where they thought they’d be.
**This is the best birthday photo I have so far this year. That year 34 photo is still my favorite.
