It’s been two years.
Two whole years ago, I went into labor in the middle of the night, two weeks before my scheduled date.
Two whole years ago, I went into a hospital and brought a little boy into the world in a more traumatic way than I’d hoped.
Two whole years ago, my life changed dramatically — as it does when one becomes a mother — and I entered one of the hardest and most wonderful seasons of my life.
On that day — two whole years ago — I didn’t know what was just ahead of me on the path.
I didn’t know it would still be months before our house was ready. I didn’t know we’d be so far over budget (inflation) and I’d be riddled with stress over finishing the project. I didn’t know how stressful moving the old house off the property would be and that we’d need to put all our stuff in storage and live with my in-laws for 6 weeks.
I didn’t know my mom would fall and it would start a downhill trajectory that consumed our lives for the next 7 months. That we’d need to stay with her around the clock for nearly 2 months.
I didn’t know I’d take her to the ER on my husband’s birthday, expecting to come back home in a few hours, only to never return. I didn’t know we’d rush for brain surgery 5 hours away and still, we’d only have 30 days left with her.
I didn’t know I’d come from from a hospital stay with my mom to catch my baby crawling for the first time. Or that he would really start walking when I was away and I’d be so absent for those early months that he’d prefer his dad over me when I’d come home after days/nights away from my family.
I didn’t know my mom wouldn’t be here by his first birthday and we’d have to reschedule his first party for a funeral.
I just didn’t know.
I also didn’t know we’d move in to our house, right before Christmas and it would be one of the most magical times. We’d throw a tree up and host Santa pics and host my family and share our first wonderful Christmas morning here on our baby’s first Christmas.
I didn’t know we’d plant a garden and host crawfish boils and so many dinners with family.
I didn’t know how much our baby boy would love riding the 4wheeler and playing outside. I didn’t know how he’d be a bright spot in a really dark time. I didn’t know he’d be my reason for carrying on when I didn’t know how to.
I didn’t know how much pure joy + pain these two years would hold. I didn’t know I’d lose my mom so close to his birthday. I didn’t know his birthday would resurrect so much grief, that this time of year would be so convoluted. I didn’t know I’d feel like a fraud planning his birthday because it’s so fun. But I’m so sad.
I just didn’t know.
I know it’ll get easier. I know one day I might not think of my child’s birth and my mom’s death as one in the same. I know one day this mark on the calendar might bring more joy than it does pain.
It’s been two years. For now, it’s still both — joy + pain.
Tomorrow, we’ll have a two year old. I just didn’t know.
The rest of the story:
Birth: My spinal didn’t fully take so I felt way more of my c-section than I should have. I lost a lot of blood and began clotting. Recovery took longer and was a lot scary than I expected, and it was a while before I got to see my baby again that day.
Death: My mom broke her hip in January 2022 and dislocated it twice after surgery/being released from rehab. We had to stay with her around the clock for 2 months until surgery was repeated. On June 5, life alert called and I went to check on her in the middle of the night. She hadn’t fallen but I noticed really strange things with her coloring and breathing. I took her to the ER “just in case” and they found a brain tumor. We rushed to Tulane in New Orleans for brain surgery where they found lung cancer had spread to multiple locations in her body. We were released to a rehab/nursing facility, moved to hospice care, and lost her exactly 30 days later. I still don’t understand how all of the doctor’s we saw that year missed lung cancer. I still don’t understand how I missed it.
