Here’s what I learned about upsetting people. It’s going to happen. They’ll be upset and confused and they might even rage for a bit or call you ugly names. But then in a matter of moments, someone else will do something even more
disruptive and they move on. There will be a new story to spread around the block. There will be something new to be mad about.

When it was time to tell people about my divorce, I was torn up inside. What would people think? No one would have seen it coming. What will they say? What will they think of us? Of me.

A lot of what I feared did happen. People had a lot to say. Some people picked sides. I was accused of cheating. Of
being a lesbian. Of being too focused on my work. Of not cooking enough home cooked meals. Those on Team Pamela had plenty to say about him too.

The fact of the matter is, so few people knew the actual reasons behind our divorce. It was a decision we made inside our marriage and it was private. There’s a tiny handful of people outside of our therapists who know what battles we faced, but there were plenty of commentators. Plenty of investigator wannabes. Even so, it died down in a matter of weeks.

It’s been too long now for me to remember exactly how long people cared. It might have been three months, six at the most. Either way, when you’re looking at the span of a lifetime, that’s nothing. I worried and obsessed and made
myself sick over who I would disappoint. Such a waste of energy.

You see, if you choose to live an authentic life, it’s impossible to do so without upsetting people. You’ll be too
conservative or too liberal. Too vocal or too quiet. Too straight or too gay. Too promiscuous or too prudish. You’ll say yes when you should have said no. And you’ll say “fuck” around the wrong person.

I spent 30-something years tiptoeing and trying to get it right every time.

I spent 30-something years shapeshifting myself into whatever the person in front of me wanted me to be.

I spent 30-something years trying to not be too loud or too demanding or too bitchy.

I tried being mostly pleasant and easy going. “Easy-going” isn’t really my thing. I want you to do what you said you were going to do. I want to leave when we said we were leaving and I want to eat on schedule. I do not go-with-the-flow when I’m hungry. Please, for everyone’s sake, let’s eat in a timely manner and have plenty of snacks available for emergencies. In case you’re not following me, being thirty minutes late to lunch is indeed an emergency.

I tried it all and then one Freaky Friday Monday when I was 34 1/2, I decided I was over it. I can’t please all of you. I just can’t. I have a hard enough time making my own self happy. I just can’t be responsible for your happiness too.

“Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?”

-Mary Oliver

I am reminded of some of the best advice I was given during my divorce. It came from my assistant/friend, Ashlee. Ashlee is wise far beyond her years and I can’t even count how many times she spoke amazing truths to me when I needed it. Everyone needs an Ashlee.

One day, I was upset over feeling like sticking with the divorce was making my ex-husband unhappy. He’d decided he wanted to reconcile and I did not. He was sad, as one is when they’re going through a divorce, and I hated it. All I wanted to do was make him happy again. I spent hours debating whether staying in the marriage was worth it, just so I wouldn’t have to see him so upset. I didn’t want to be upset and sad either, and I was both of those things.

Ashlee, in her wonderfully compassionate way, reminded me that we are not responsible for other people’s happiness. We’re not responsible for other people’s feelings at all. We are only accountable for our own feelings and for our own happiness.

She also referred to life as a book and boldly stated that just because a character doesn’t continue on to other
chapters, doesn’t mean that character didn’t serve a big, important part in the current one. That girl is so smart, you guys.

I think about the pressure of feeling like I need to keep everyone happy and it’s just too much to bear. The constant taming of myself is exhausting. I’m simply done with that.

The sad thing is, I’m not even needing to come out of the closet or denounce my religion like some of your brave,
beautiful people are. My coming-into-my-own moment isn’t anything substantial. I mainly want to stop pretending like I don’t use cuss words. I want to drink a margarita without feeling judged. I want to stop pretending that step-parenting isn’t bloody hard, just like new marriage is. I want to admit that I hate mornings and my phone ringing.

I don’t need an awakening to some vastly different version of my current reality. I just want to stop feeling stifled on the small stuff.

I say all of this today because I know there’s a lot of you out there, just like me. You’re always trying to do the “right” things, and most of the time you know what’s right for you. But you don’t take action, because you worry about
disappointing someone else. You’re trying to not upset anyone. You want everyone to like you. You want to be invited to the things and loved by the people.

But there’s a stirring inside of you. It rumbles because you’re true self is hidden. It’s buried somewhere safely inside because you fear that people won’t like the real you.

You want to chase that bold dream you have marinating in your mind. You want to move to the country or to the city. You want to go back to school or quit your job. You want to get married or it seems like you should, but
you don’t actually want to. (Ladies, please don’t get married because you think it’s time or you should or someone else wants you to. Please.) You want to have some babies or you want to talk about how you can’t or why you don’t want to. You want to travel. Start that business. Cut your hair. Stop wearing make up. Quit the PTA. Skip a soccer game. Switch churches or stop going altogether.

I know — from experience — that there’s something you want to do inside of that pretty head of yours that you’re too scared to do or tell anyone about. I know, for many of you, that fear comes from worrying about what the people around you will think/say/do/feel. It’s impossible to not think of those things.

But your best life is calling. There is a plan and a destiny waiting for you to step into your real self. You might lose a few people along the way and from this side of one of the biggest hurdles in my life, I can tell you — it’s worth it.

So who are you, really? What do you want to do? Let’s get on with it and trust me — it’s probably not that big of a deal anyway. And if it is — and there’s a backlash — it’ll die down before you know it.

The world is waiting on the real you to finally show up. I can’t wait to meet YOU.