I sit — wanting to write, wanting to get something I’ve already written ready to publish — and I can’t because my mind will only think about the things I should be doing instead. 

There’s real estate work to be done — a roof quote to get, documents to send, appointments to schedule. 

There’s house work to be done — it turns out the dishwasher doesn’t load itself and these boxes won’t unpack themselves either. 

I need to prep for vacation. Buy groceries. Change the sheets on the kids’ beds. 

I need to make what feels like 1,000 phone calls. And the anxiety in my chest says I also need to write. 

I’ve barely written lately and I’ve not shared any of it publicly. Having the time amidst work, moving, getting married, becoming a stepmom, and a pandemic has certainly been challenging. That’s not the big issue though. The big issue is guilt. 

It’s one I’ve dealt with for years and years. It’s how I was controlled as a child and at this stage in life, I don’t need you to guilt me into doing or not doing a thing. I’m a master of doing it myself. Do I celebrate how much I get done? No. There’s likely things still undone on a list somewhere. Do I take time for myself? No. I should get back to work. It feels like all of the unfinished tasks are ultimately my fault. Like somehow I’m supposed to do ALL THE THINGS and just keep going all the time. 

This was supposed to be my year to finally take my writing seriously. This was my year to make time for it and to share more and to launch a podcast. Here we are in June and I’ve reverted back to all of my bad habits. I’m back to not making any time for this part of me and for feeling guilty every time I sit down to the keyboard. For feeling like I should be hanging towel racks or folding laundry or emailing someone instead. Literally anything besides doing this work. 

I sit down and try to write quick pieces on my phone and when my new husband walks in, I pop up like I’ve been caught doing something heinous. We have the kids this weekend and travel soon, so those days are all out. Now, it’ll be at least two weeks before I “have time” again. 

When I think about why someone would read this rambling piece of frustration, I think this one’s for my fellow guilt-ridden ladies. It’s for my girls who have a dream inside of them, but continually dedicate themselves to other things. This is for the martyr who does everything for everyone else before they tend to the callings of their own hearts. 

If you’re like me in this, you need to hear this message. We weren’t given these stirrings inside of us for nothing. We were given these callings for a reason and there’s a specific person needing you (and me) to step into that. There’s someone out there needing your message, your art, or your business offerings. That idea that’s lived inside of you for all of these years, isn’t there to just be pondered over. It’s there for you to bring to life. 

Liz Gilbert talks about this in Big Magic. She insists that inspiration and ideas float around from person to person, searching for the one who will do something with that magic. When we don’t take action, the idea moves on to someone else. In an article with Irish Times, she says:

“When an idea thinks it has found somebody – say, you – who might be able to bring it into the world, the idea will pay you a visit. It will try to get your attention. Mostly, you will not notice. This is likely because you’re so consumed by your own dramas, anxieties, distractions, insecurities, and duties that you aren’t receptive to inspiration.

You might miss the signal because you’re watching TV, or shopping, or brooding over how angry you are at somebody, or pondering your failures and mistakes, or just generally really busy. The idea will try to wave you down (perhaps for a few moments; perhaps for a few months; perhaps even for a few years), but when it finally realises that you’re oblivious to its message, it will move on to someone else.”

I remember feeling so seen when I read Big Magic, like she was talking straight to me. (Here’s my initial review of it.) If you’re a creative of any sort and haven’t read this one, move it to the top of the list. I need to pull it out again myself. 

I think the lesson for this message today is that we can make all the excuses in the world. We can let our guilt control us. We can insist that we should be doing 100 other things. We can even blame our inaction on other people. But when we don’t do the work on the magic that’s stirring inside us — we’re running the risk of that idea and that dream moving on to someone else. 

How many times have you had an idea and then suddenly see someone else doing that thing? It’s happened to me so many times, personally and professionally. Is that how you want to live out your life? Watching other people do the things you dream of?

We have to remember that everything in life is a choice. If we’re bogged down with work, it’s because we’re choosing to not offload something. If we’re drowning in chores at home, it’s because we’re choosing to not ask for help. Or better yet — because we’re choosing to not just let some things go. If we don’t do this work we’re called to do, it’s because we’re choosing to spend our time elsewhere. You have to ask yourself if you’re ok with that or if you’re not. 

It was easy for me to sit and stew this morning over how little time I have for writing. Over how guilty I feel for doing this work. It’s really easy for me to use those as excuses. Ultimately though, how my life plays out is up to me. And yours is up to you. Who has some work on their dream they need to do today? I know I do.