Category Archives: Inspiration & Thoughts

We could all use a little encouragement every now and then!

September Goals & Being Back in the Swing of Things

September 1, 2016 Pamela Stephens

It feels like an eternity since I’ve written one of these post. It feels like an eternity since I’ve even thought about goals, much less worked towards something. (Work goals excluded. #girlboss) I decided on Sunday that I would attempt to get back to my blogging schedule. I would do this in secret, of course, so that if I failed or decided I wasn’t ready, I could abort the mission without anyone knowing. With my silent goal in mind, I began thinking about what I’d like to share here in September. I had several things in mind, some already written, so I began jotting down a plan for the month. If I were to stick with my previous Monday/Thursday schedule, then I’d have a post going up today, September 1.

When I realized it was the first, I decided that I needed to share something special. I needed to share something about new beginnings or seasons changing, even though our actual season won’t be changing for quite some time here in Louisiana. Not only was I awestruck that September was here (Are we sure it’s not still March??), I couldn’t wrap my head around what an appropriate post would be. While for many, this random Thursday is a day like every other, for me, it would be signifying the return of a routine.

As you all know, the last several months have been tough and with the uncertainty surrounding our circumstances, most, if not all of our routines fell to the wayside. Not only were routines and stability a thing of the past, my word bank was dry. I had nothing to say. I could barely form sentences that made sense on a page. Understandably, I let this blog take a back seat and I hoped that when things leveled out, I would find my words again.

So I sat there on Sunday, seeing things come together around me in the house, feelings much more “normal” and at peace than I had in months, and secretly planning to get back to who and what I was before the flood. When I thought of what I could possibly say on September 1 to signify what this new month actually feels like and means to me, I thought of my monthly goals. Once upon a time, I set a few personal goals for each month and shared them here to hold myself accountable and to ensure that I made progress towards the things I wanted to do. Now, as I’m searching anxiously for stability, I thought it would be a perfect time to revive those monthly goal posts and to set some intentions for myself for September. So here they are:

Blog 2x per week. Again, I intended to keep this “goal” to myself in case I realized I couldn’t do it. As I throw caution to the wind, I hope that I’ll be able to return to my old schedule this month – posting every Monday and Thursday morning at 6:00 (central time). I’m out of practice, though I feel like I’m getting back in the swing of things, so hopefully you’ll find something new here every Monday and Thursday this month.
Finish the hall bath. Right now we only have one working bathroom and several things need to happen in order to mark that hall bath off the list. My intention is to complete that entire project this month. No excuses!
Host a party! This is a big one. Since shortly after the flood, I knew I’d want to invite everyone who’d followed our journey over to see the finished product. Saying that I’ll do this in September means that I have a lot of work to do! There’s still so many small items on the punch list, and we’ll have to be diligent in getting them done in order to host an event here. Nonetheless, it’s my goal to open my house up to friends/family/neighbors/strangers by the end of this month. Wanna come? You’re invited!
Launch the social media for Firecracker – The Store. Several months ago, I put a booth into an antique store on Antique Alley as a launching pad for an upcoming project. I’d waited for years for a booth to open up in one of my favorite stores and you’d know that one would come available right after the flood. Like the over-achieving workaholic that I am, I took it on and made something happen. However, it’s felt “thrown together” and certainly not my best work, so for the most part, I’ve kept it a secret. Not anymore! I’m getting my shit together and telling the world this month!
Paint one painting. I had no idea how much I’d missed painting. I knew I wanted to pull together a few pieces for the house when I could, yet I didn’t know I’d have such an emotional response to getting the opportunity again. I’ve dabbled a bit already and this month I hope to complete one more piece.

There you have it. I have some monthly goals out there in the world. They probably seem simple and my anxiousness over sharing them undoubtedly seems trivial. I supposed I feel uneasy about making plans at this point. I’ve lived in a state of uncertainty for months and the thought of getting back into a routine not only seems exciting, it also feels very foreign.

For me, September will serve as a time to pick up the pieces, put things back together, and find a new rhythm. And because of that, I’ll look forward to this month with grand excitement. It’s funny to see how much is different and how much has changed since last September. And 2014…

A Short Life & The Choices We Make

August 29, 2016 Pamela Stephens

Sometimes you’re unexpectedly forced to think about the brevity of life. A young acquaintance dies much too soon, you’re faced with the fear of disease, or you read some heart-wrenching story. Most people continue on pondering the fleetingness of life only for a moment. I, however, end up thinking about this stark realization for much, much longer. Sometimes I’d say it even consumes me.

Of course, we all know that “life is short” and we should “enjoy the moment” or “treat every day like it’s your last.” And yet, days come and go with us focused on the monotony of daily life. We get stuck in our routines and forget to look up from our well-traveled paths. We sleep and wake without doing even one thing that’s special during the day. Without telling even one person how wonderful they are. Weeks pass and then months, and next thing you know, years have seemingly flown by and you’re still in the same spot you were the last time you looked up. You’re still taking the same vacations, driving the same routes to work, and talking to the same people. While I understand that not everyone shares my grand sense of adventure, I can’t help but wonder – is this monotony what people want? Is a string of years unchanged or absent of variety what people truly desire?

Whether this be the case of not, when I’m caught in that moment of realizing how truly short life can be, I quickly evaluate my own life. Would I worry about what I’m worried about today if this were the end? What would I do today? Would I spend my day cleaning baseboards or would I paint or read? Would I go to the park for one last walk on my favorite trails? Unfortunately, we don’t usually get to plan this sort of thing. Most of the time we aren’t presented with a syllabus for life that shows us exactly what date on which the final exam will take place. We’re not given a course outline showing the progression of life. Instead, we can only hope that the culmination of our daily activities equal something we’ll be proud of in those last moments. And this is precisely why we’re often told to live in the moment and make the most of it.

Furthermore, I ponder – who would I want around me? Who is most important to me? So often – too often – I let the opinions of mere strangers cause me to worry. So often – too often – I let would I should do interfere with what I want to do. I worry and I make up stories when things happen around me that I don’t understand. If these were my last days, I’d find these things so trivial and unworthy of my attention.

Today, as I finish The Opposite of Loneliness I am forced to think hard about this fleeting life. Marina Keegan’s time here on Earth was so limited. She wrote such impactful things in her short life, not knowing in the slightest that her life would indeed be short. It forces me to think about what I’d do differently if I saw the end was near. And because of those thoughts, I’m forcing myself to do some things differently now. I am choosing to dig deeper when I feel worry. I’m choosing to let only those that really, really matter affect my mood. And I’m choosing to go after the things that I might be “waiting for.” All of these things are easier said than done and without a continual conscious effort, I too, will get caught up in that next email or the next “problem.” Without focus, I’ll get swept away in today’s struggles and today’s issues, forgetting the big picture at hand. Unless I do something extraordinary (which hopefully I will), today won’t even be remembered a year from now.

We all talk about time moving too quickly. One day we’re 15, dreaming about what we’re going to do in life. The next, we’re plucking gray hairs (or in my case letting them grow out) and watching grandchildren play in the yard. However, what if time doesn’t actually move that fast? I also just finished Essentialism and here’s an excerpt that really stood out to me regarding time.

“Recently Anna and I met for lunch in the middle of a busy workday. Usually when we meet for lunch we’re so busy catching each other up on the events of our mornings or planning the activities for the evening that we forget to enjoy the act of having lunch together in the here and now. So this time, as the food arrived, Anna suggested an experiment: we should focus only on the moment. No rehashing our morning meetings, no talking about who would pick up the children from karate or what we’d cook for dinner that night. We should eat slowly and deliberately, fully focused on the present. I was totally game for it.

As I slowly took my first bite something happened. I noticed my breathing. Then without conscious intent I found it slowing. Suddenly, time itself felt as if it was moving slower. Instead of feeling as if my body was in one place and my mind was in five other places, I felt as though both my mind and my body were fully there.

The sensation stayed with me into the afternoon, where I noticed another change. Instead of being interrupted by distracting thoughts, I was able to give my full concentration to my work. Because I was calm and present on the tasks at hand, each one flowed naturally. Instead of my usual state of having my mental energies split and scattered across many competing subjects, my state was one of being focused on the subject that was most important in the present. Getting my work done not only became more effortless but actually gave me joy. In this case, what was good for the mind was also good for the soul.”

These few paragraphs made me ponder whether or not life actually moves as quickly as we feel that it does. Maybe the increasing speed in which time seems to fly as we grow older is simply because of the manner in which we spend our time. When we divide our concentration and energy, time seems to fly by without allowing enough hours in the day. When we’re focused, however, time seems to pass more slowly. When we dedicate our time to what’s most important to us in that moment, we make the most of the time we have – whether it be mere months or an expanse of years.

I have to wonder – what would it look like if we lived each day only focusing on the important stuff and the important people? What if we remained focused and allocated our time only to our highest callings, rather than dividing our days such that we never feel content and time flies right past us without our consent? What would life look like then? Would more people reach the end with satisfaction? Could we live in a way that we’d be content if life was taken from us tomorrow?

I don’t quite know the answers to all of these questions, though I do know that as I ponder the brevity of life over the next several days, I’ll make better decisions. I’ll call attention to how precious my time is and I’ll allocate it as I see fit. Hopefully, I’ll let the trivial circumstances roll right by just as the hours seem to. I’ll be the first to admit that living with this mindset isn’t easy. And it’s far from simple. However, if we want this life that we’re given to really matter, I feel like we simply must treat it’s passing minutes with more care. No more worry over the trivial. No more fretting over what’s next. No more obsessing over how to do it all. My goal is to stop. All of it. I want to CHOOSE how I spend each minute, giving focus only to what truly matters to me. I intend to start small. I hope to be intentional today, and then tomorrow too. I’ll focus on this minute and this hour, until hopefully, I’ve developed a habit of culling and focusing on the big things, the important things. It’s so easy to get distracted, and yet life is SHORT. It’s fleeting and you never, ever know when it’ll be over. You won’t be able to negotiate for more time and you won’t be given a second chance. If we approached every to-do list item, every opportunity, and every relationship with this mindset, how grand could our lives be? I hope to find out, and I hope you will too.

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What To Do After a Flood

August 18, 2016 Pamela Stephens

Right now a large portion of South Louisiana sits under water. Just mere months ago, North Louisiana experienced the same trauma, and even though Matthew and I have made it through the hardest parts, the pain/fear/uncertainty/stress still feels fresh. A few weeks into the rebuilding process, I joked that I could now write a manual on “what to do in a flood.” Now, when so many of our friends are suffering through the same things we did, the idea struck that I should actually jot down a few pointers from our experience. Keep in mind, every situation/insurance and mortgage company is different, so these tips are based solely on our experience and could vary based on each individual situation.

Here’s what we did:

Start a “flood notebook.” You are about to be bombarded with information, phone numbers, policy numbers, deadlines, etc. and you’ll want all of that information in one place. My flood notebook was attached to me at all times during the first 3+ months and every bit of information was kept there.
Contact your insurance company. If you have flood insurance, file a claim immediately. With a disaster of this nature, insurance adjusters will be swamped and you want to get on the books ASAP. If your cars were damaged, you’ll need to file separate claims for those. (Remember to be nice to everyone you speak to. They want to help you.)
Contact your mortgage company. If you have a mortgage on the property, you’ll need to let the mortgage holder know. They’ll be a part of the rebuilding process and you’ll most likely have to run funds through them to rebuild. Also, they’ll possibly delay your house payments for a few months to help out until you sort things out. (Be mindful that these payments will probably all become due at the end of the delay period. They’re most likely not doing away with those payments – just delaying.)
Register on disasterassistance.gov. We did not register with FEMA at first because we thought they wouldn’t help since we had flood insurance. That’s not true. Register anyway. There’s most likely things your insurance won’t pay for and FEMA can help with that. If you do not have flood insurance, register right away!! This will most likely be your best form of assistance.
Take lots and lots of photos. Hundreds. Thousands. You can’t have too many. Take photos in all rooms, from all angles. Inside closets. Inside cabinets and drawers. YOU CANNOT HAVE TOO MANY PHOTOS.
Find a more permanent place to stay. We were overly ambitious and thought we’d be back home in 3-4 months. We were home before most of our neighbors/friends and it still look way longer than expected. You’re about to be stressed to the max and pushed to limits you’ve never been before. Find a place to retreat. My suggestion would be to plan for something stable for at least 6 months. This way, you’ll be less stressed when you experience delays or bumps in the road.
Delay/pause your excess utilities. You won’t be using a lot of your excess things like cable, internet, alarm services, etc. for a bit so if you can, pause or cancel those temporarily. Some will be great about this, some won’t. Just save where you can. For internet, for example, it didn’t make sense to cancel so we just dropped it down to the very basic plan. Our alarm company let us disconnect and easily reconnect when we were back home.
Call your cell service provider. If you begin to run low on data/service, you can call and ask for help. Once the area is declared a natural disaster, some providers will extend your limits for the month so you’re able to make those important calls, etc.
Write down people to thank in your flood notebook. I kept a running list of those who helped so I could thank them when things settled. (I still have some cards to send.) There is no possible way you’ll remember everyone so start writing down names immediately. And believe me, you’ll want to thank those people. These people will literally be your heroes.

Once the water is out of the house, here’s some things to do next:

Take more photos. If you took photos while the water was inside the house, take more with the water gone. Be sure to document any visible water lines. Again, be sure to get inside all cabinets and drawers. You want a record of everything in the house.
Remove any and everything that is salvageable. If it is dry, pack it up and find a place to store it. This is very important – DO NOT PUT ANYTHING EVEN REMOTELY DAMP INTO A BOX WITH DRY ITEMS. If you do, you’ll have lost everything in the box by the time you’re able to unpack it. If you think clothes can be saved, launder them immediately. Remember, it’s not just rain water you’re dealing with here. If it’s dry, get it out immediately and keep it separate from anything wet. If it didn’t get touched by water, insurance probably will not cover it. Save it if you can.
Pull anything wet out outside. You want to get everything out that’s holding water. Carpet and rugs need to be pulled ASAP. They hold water in the house, so remove them as soon as possible.
Make note of EVERYTHING, big and small, that’s tossed. As you take something out, write it down. I bought several yellow notepads and some of the girls helping us stood by the doors, making note of everything that was tossed. This will be a LIFESAVER when you go to inventory things for insurance. The more pictures and notes you have, the better. You’ll want to write down the model/serial number of appliances and the other can be general notes…anything that helps trigger your memory of what the item was. It would also help if whoever is writing in that notepad would include their name. That way, if you have questions later, you’ll know who to ask. Also, know how many notepads you have going so you can be sure one doesn’t get misplaced.
If there’s furniture that you think you can save, clean it immediately, especially before you put it into storage. If it’s upholstered or cloth, it’s probably not salvageable. If it’s cheap furniture or not real wood, you should probably toss it. Anything that’s real wood (antique furniture, etc.) might survive if you clean it and get it dried out immediately. We wiped everything single thing that we thought could be saved vigorously with Lysol/Clorox wipes and let it dry before storing it. Some survived. Some didn’t. Again, be careful storing anything wet because it could ruin everything around it. NOTE: Some real wood items might have faux wood backs, etc. If so, rip those off and try to save the rest. You can add a new back later. Just clean it really, really good.
If you don’t have a dumpster, make piles within 10 feet of the edge of the road. It’s going to be a while before they can pick these items up, so put them as far out of your way as you can. If you have someone with a trailer or dumpster, these are good options too. If not, make piles close enough to the road that the trash collectors can legally pick it up and far enough back that it won’t fall into the road.
Begin pulling out sheetrock/insulation. The amount of water you had inside will determine how much sheetrock needs to be removed. Usually, it’s done in 2 or 4 feet increments. It’ll be easier to replace that way. At a minimum, pry away the baseboards. Usually, there’s a gap at the bottom of the sheetrock that’ll allow air to start flowing within the walls. If there’s not a gap or you can’t remove baseboards, knock holes along the bottom of the sheetrock with a hammer. This will allow some airflow. If you’re doing demo yourself, wear gloves. Get gloves for anyone helping you. Pull up flooring, pull out sheetrock, wet cabinets, appliances, etc. Note: It’s ok to do these items before the adjusters come AS LONG AS YOU’VE TAKEN A TON OF PHOTOS. Some people are afraid to start and there’s actually probably a clause in your insurance policy somewhere that says you’ll do everything you can to “maintain the integrity of the home.” In this case, it means getting it dry ASAP. The insurance company will be very unhappy if you simply leave it until the adjuster comes and you’ll only cause more problems that way.
Hire a professional water remediation specialist. These folks will be swarming your area soon and a lot of them do demo too. We used Clean Master and Service Master is another good one. They’ll professionally dry the home once it’s demoed and treat the studs etc. for mold. You’ll want to hold on to the “dry logs” they provide you because insurance will want them and they’ll be handy when/if you sell the home in the future.
Accept help. There will most likely be church groups and volunteers everywhere offering help, food, or supplies. This is not the time to be prideful. These people want to help. Let them. You’ll need strength later, I promise. (Just remember to make a note of who helped in your notebook.)
Choose a good contractor. Your mortgage company will most likely require a licensed contractor to oversee the reconstruction. Pick a good one. The good ones will book up fast, so call as soon as you can. Ask around for suggestions. Listen to reviews. Be sure not to choose a crappy or unreliable contractor.
Be wary of poachers and scammers. Within hours, you’ll notice people scoping your trash piles and offering services with hand-written business cards. Accept help from others, yet be cautious of people just trying to make a buck from a bad situation. Don’t leave valuables outside, especially not near the trash pile. You might also have investors make offers on your property as-is. This isn’t always a bad deal…just be sure you aren’t taken advantage of. If you have questions about this, contact me.
Save all receipts. All of them. Anything you buy or pay for right now should be documented. In addition to my flood notebook, I bought an accordion file to keep all paperwork in one spot.

And a few more practical/sanity related tips:

If you’re not attached to an item, do not save it. Now is not the time to save anything that doesn’t mean something to you or than you don’t need. Storage will be scarce and once you’re ready to move back in, you won’t want to clutter your new, pretty home with old junk. If it’s damaged or if you don’t love or need it, get rid of it now.
If there’s an area of the house or items that are important to you, have someone close to you work in that room. My closest friends/family worked in my closet because they knew better how to handle those personal items. They also knew to just toss what was ruined without me seeing it (after writing it on the damaged inventory) because that was easier than me having to face that item at that moment.
If photos got wet, pull what you can apart gently and lay them out to dry ASAP. They won’t be perfect, but you might can salvage some this way. I also had friends help with this task so maybe I wouldn’t even remember photos that had to be tossed.
And possibly most importantly, remember that this sucks and it’ll be really, really tough. However, IT’S TEMPORARY. You won’t have to live this way forever and someday things will level back out. I think that the only way I kept my sanity is by constantly reminding myself that I can handle anything for a limited amount of time, and this nightmare is just temporary. As with any situation, it is what you make of it. It sucks and if you let yourself wallow in that, you’ll only make the process worse. It can be positive or negative…you decide your outlook.
When the new wears off and the volunteers go back to work, you’ll feel the most alone you’ve ever felt in your life. However, there’s a group of us out there that will be constantly thinking about you and cheering you on. I’ll be constantly thinking about you and cheering you on. And I know that you’ll pull through. You’ll come out on the other side with a new perspective on life and you’ll feel invincible. I promise.

These steps are not something I worked on for weeks and I haven’t even proofread. The thought just came to me to share my tips in case it helped just one person find their way in this tough time. I wish I had someone to reply on for instruction when this tragedy first happened to us. If you have questions, feel free to ask. I’m happy to help in any way that I can!

I haven’t shared much yet, but you can find some of our story here or check the #100daysofrebuilding hashtag on Instagram. If you’re struggling today, know that I feel your pain and I’m on this journey with you.

Much love, Pamela

EDIT 8/19/16:
Call the tax assessor. This isn’t something that needs to be done right away. However, make a note to call them when you have time. They’ll keep a tally of damaged homes and this is how they’ll determine whether tax breaks can be given for the year. (Thanks, Madeline, for this reminder.)

*These thoughts and suggestions are all my own. I’m not a professional, nor are these hard and fast rules. This is just my experience and what I did to survive it.
**The last, overhead photo was taken via drone by a neighbor.

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When “busy” was cool

June 20, 2016 Pamela Stephens

I don’t remember exactly when it was, but somewhere in the early 2000’s stressing and being busy became cool. Basically, you were pretty much a nobody if you weren’t running around like crazy or worrying about something. After all, super important people had lots of super important things to handle and do, right?

I believe that everything in life revolves around stages. Basically, everything tends to sort of come and go. To illustrate what I’m saying, sit and think a little about your generation compared to your parents and your grandparents. If you pay close attention, you’ll see that one generation tends to be the complete opposite of the previous one, and the following one will mimic items from the first. For example, your grandparents may have put a lot of emphasis on being at home and spending time with family, while your parents focused primarily on work ethic and providing a stable income. You, in turn, probably focus on a lot of the same things your grandparents did. It’s such a fascinating topic to consider if you really think about it.

In thinking through some of these things, I realized that one mysterious day, life switched to busyness being the norm. You were basic if you didn’t have a calendar filled to the brim with things to do. With smart phones glued to our hips, we were constantly tuned in to social media, texts, and work email. This became the new normal and honestly, I think we didn’t even notice the switch.

For a while, my go-to answer when asked how things were was, “I’m just busy.” Especially as a business owner, I felt I had to be “busy” to communicate success. If I wasn’t busy, my business must be a total failure. Finally, I realized that I didn’t want to be busy or even seem busy. I wanted to be successful AND sane. I wanted to work hard and play hard. I wanted to do my job more efficiently, so that I had more free time. After all, “the purpose of business is to fund the perfect life.”

These days, I feel like we’re all finding a little more balance. If you read the internet, you see people “unplugging” by putting their phones away. You don’t see as many devices being used at the table in restaurants. You may not get an instant response to that email you sent a coworker. These slight changes are not only ok, they’re good. Personally, I’ve turned off all email and social media notifications on my phone and do not disturb has changed my life. I think the pendulum swung too far in the other direction and now we’re seeing it come back to a more balanced state.

I don’t have to link to articles about the negative effects of stress. If you haven’t read a million of them already, google it. They’re not in short supply. Our bodies are not designed to operate in constant chaos mode and that lifestyle doesn’t usually create happy endings. The rule of thumb is that you give time to the things that are important to you. Of course, we must work hard to reach our goals. However, I don’t think we should place the emphasis on being busy. Instead, let’s make a pact to work hard while also enjoying our lives. Let’s schedule our days so that we get our jobs done and still have time to spend with the people we love or explore new hobbies. Let’s focus on efficiency instead of being “busy.” We won’t get to the end of our lives and be thankful for how many extra hours we spent at the office. Instead, we’ll reminisce on the times we explored the world around us and laughed with friends and family. Make those dreams a reality. Let’s go back to a time when “busy” wasn’t cool. I’m already headed back there myself. Yesterday was a great example. Want to join me?

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Breaks & Breakdowns

May 26, 2016 Pamela Stephens

Last week it happened. I broke down. Like ugly cried all day, waved my hands around in frustration, and complained to my husband about life (and people). Any sane person could see that it was bound to happen. We’re out of our home and routines. We’re rebuilding, which comes with its own headaches. I feel like every other day I’m afraid that I might be homeless again. I’m working like a mad woman, definitely not utilizing my team enough. I’m negotiating what I swear are some of THE hardest deals of my entire career. I put a booth in an antique store and bought an investment property that needs just as much work as our home. Just to name a few.

Clearly after a day of riding that emotional rollercoaster hard and fast, I knew something had to give. I didn’t want to give up any of my projects, so I decided to make a few small changes instead. Here are a few, in case you need to practice better break-taking too:

I’m not carrying my phone with me to the bathroom. I have quite a habit of carrying my phone everywhere I go. Especially the bathroom. My reasoning is that I can use the time walking back from the bathroom to respond to texts and emails. That might seem like a productivity trait. However, here’s what happens. First, if I’m looking down at my phone as I pass by all of the offices and real people along the way, I miss them. I barely say hello. I don’t ask about their lives. I don’t pause for conversation about new listings or troubleshooting in negotiations. I surely don’t offer help. I’m a busy lady! Secondly, if the phone rings while I’m in the bathroom, I legit try to pee faster so I can answer it before it goes to voicemail. That’s nuts. State labor laws mandate that employees get a certain number of breaks per day as well as a true lunch break. (What?! Is that real?) I don’t even give myself 3 minutes to walk to the bathroom! For now, I’m giving myself that time. I understand that I’ll come back to 25 unanswered text messages. However, I’m gaining 3-5 minutes of peace. Sign me up for that.
I must find time to relax and hobbies that aren’t directly related to my work. Both fortunately and unfortunately, the things I enjoy doing are very closely related to my “work.” Therefore, during my down time, whatever I find myself doing can easily cross over from down time to work and next thing I know, I didn’t clear my mind or rest at all. I think I’m learning that I don’t actually know how to “rest” at all and that I don’t have any hobbies that allow me to truly relax. Not good. And I don’t even know where to start with figuring that one out. Any help?
I will take days (or at least half days) off where I transfer my calls and delegate out my texts and emails. Since I use my personal cell for work, my work can easily follow me everywhere. Even to the bathroom (see above). The fact of the matter is, I have a well-trained team of professionals who can troubleshoot and handle business, just as well as I can. I pay two full-time salaried folks to help me. I simply MUST unplug and allow them to do their jobs (and mine) every now and then in order to actually get a break. Otherwise, I eventually become a hot, crazy mess. I finally took an actual day off and it was the most amazing thing ever. Better than my birthday. I feel like a brand new person. I’m inspired, rested, and eager to work. Doesn’t that sound awesome?! It feels awesome.
I need to set clearer boundaries, both for myself and for others. For example, I’m not available to chat real estate at midnight. I’m not going to answer a contractor’s question at 5:50 am. For most people who only share their office phone number, they would only get these messages between their regular office hours and everything else would just have to wait. They’d be at home watching Game of Thrones, oblivious that their office phone was ringing off the hook. Since I give out all of my contact info, folks can track me down at all times. This means, I never get to turn my work brain off. I don’t get to unplug or rest. I need to practice setting more clear boundaries and holding myself accountable to those. I can be accessible without being a slave to my work and my phone.

As I write this I immediately see 1,000 ways that I’ll cheat. It’s so easy! And most of the time I even want to. I do not, however, want to lose and entire day of productivity recuperating from not taking a break. Seriously guys, I’m the worst boss of myself possible. I’ve written a few things on this topic that I haven’t shared and maybe I should get around to that. Also, something similar here and here.

Clearly, this is an ongoing struggle for me. I’ve read several articles about set break time and rejuvenation. I already understand the importance. I just don’t do it. Anyone else struggle with this? If you have some tips for doing better, I’m all ears. You can leave a comment, email me, or call me after midnight. Kidding. Don’t do that last one. I’m setting boundaries now.

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On Growing Up

March 7, 2016 Pamela Stephens

I wrote these words at some point last year. When I was thinking about what I wanted to share on the blog today, I stumbled upon this and decided I didn’t want to let time pass without sharing this thought. It explains SO MUCH of what I felt throughout my late twenties, and I really want that emotion documented here. I’d say that I’m still in this stage somewhat, though I definitely feel more comfortable in my skin and in my world today than what I did at 26, or when I wrote these words even. If you’re just embarking upon these years, be warned. This is pretty much what it feels like all the time and if I had any advice to give it would be to embrace it. You don’t have things figured out and you won’t just yet. Instead, just hang on. It might be a bumpy ride, but you’ll get where you’re going nonetheless. That’s when everything else will make sense. Here are my thoughts:

I’ve started 5,002 blog posts (exaggeration) about my personal growth and what I’ve learned lately, and honestly, I can never seem to flesh out the thoughts in my head. It’s sort of like standing in the middle of the world’s most exciting circus and not being able to decide which part to enjoy first. Do you run towards the elephant rides? Or the lion’s den? But there’s tightrope walkers and cotton candy! The music is loud and invigorating and people are laughing everywhere and it’s the most exciting day of your life! But you don’t know where to start.

That’s what it’s felt like inside my head lately. I literally feel like I’ve come so far in the last couple of years. I can’t put my finger on when this awakening began, but there was some point in the last two years where I woke up and became a new person. It’s felt amazing and scary and rewarding and inspiring. Really, I’ve felt all of the emotions. However, I still can’t put it into words.

I’ve read here and there that it’s in your thirties that you finally learn who you are. They say that you spend your teenage years just learning to survive and you’re twenties are filled with exploration. Then, it’s you’re thirties that you put all of this together and finally learn and understand what you’re really made of and who you want to be. I wouldn’t say this is scientific fact, but I think they might be on to something.

I turned 29 in January. I’m not quite thirty, but I’m not surprised that I would have experienced this personal revelation a little early. I’ve always been a bit on the mature side, but that’s a conversation for another time. If I tried to put my finger on it, I’d say that I started really figuring myself out around 26 or 27.

I’ve wanted to talk about these various realizations many times. I’ve started post after post and conversation after conversation. I’ve talked with my husband about it thousands of times, and I even struggle to make sense in those conversations. It’s as if the words bubble up inside of me, begging to be released, but then they stay there stagnant. Maybe there are no words. Maybe the magnitude of what needs to be said is too large for me to process right now.

One day, I stumbled upon a post written by Karey Mackin on Clementine Daily. The tag line was, “Good grown-ups don’t care about being right; they prefer being informed,” and I knew right away that I must read this post. She talks about what it means to “grow up.” She talks about learning and growing and wearing what you want. She talks responsibility and finding balance between laundry and exciting adventures. The tag line itself spoke to me, because I noticed this shift in myself years ago. I want to know and understand. I don’t care so much about being right…I just want to be informed. Maybe there isn’t so much black and white. Actually, I think the world is probably comprised of mostly gray.

I read the entire post and it resonated with the feeling I’ve had lately. No, I’m not in my forties yet, but there’s so much to be learned and uncovered at any age. This time that I’m in right now is a big one. I’ve often wondered if it’s really possible to know that as you experience it, but apparently it is. Aside from those formable years where I learned to walk and talk and read, I think this is probably my biggest transitional stage yet. I’m growing and changing as a person almost daily. Sometimes it feels scary and difficult, but it’s mainly exciting. I’m thrilled to become someone better than who I was yesterday. I can’t wait to look back on these years and see what a difference they made. I still don’t yet have the words to describe what’s happened and is happening, but I know that it’s something big.

One day I’ll get it. One day, I’ll be able to explain and understand. For now, I’ll continue to sit with that yearning feeling, hoping to someday find the words.

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What is good?

February 29, 2016 Pamela Stephens

I recently read this post and I basically want to rearrange all of the words and share the exact same things here. It’s so. good. In a response to the troubled artist, the writer tells her to stop obsessing over what others think of her work. Instead, she tells her to “Create! Call it good! Rest!”

She says:

“God created the seas. God called it good.

God created the land. God called it good.

God created the animals. God called it good.

God created light. God called it good.

God rested.”

I realized that I’ve been skipping that “good” phase. As I’m writing myself, I either over-analyze every single word or I just release it, imperfect into the wild, hoping no one sees that one. Whether they’re perfectly crafted or not, I always worry to death over how someone will take those words. What will they think? Will they misunderstand? Will they completely disagree or deduce that I’m some sort of reckless monster? I worry and stew and try to protect my art, much like the jaded artist from the post. I’m skipping the “good” phase.

The writer here says that inspiration comes to us. We get it out of us as quickly as possible. Then we “work” to finesse it. We tighten our sentences or add extra strokes. Our next step should be to “call it good” and walk away. The thought of that feels so foreign to me and brings me to my next thought.

What is good?

The first definition of the word good is “to be desired or approved of.” How fitting for this topic! If we simply followed that definition, having our own approval would be “good.” We could walk away. Instead, we tend to want to obsess over how the world will rank our work. We mull it over, keep tweaking things, and then once it’s finally released, we wait anxiously to see how it’s received. Sometimes we defend negative comments or spend time explaining our reasoning. We worry. And we don’t rest.

I began to wonder what my process would look like if I truly followed the steps above. Rather than worrying once my art is released, what if I just called it done. What if I called it good? In this case, good doesn’t have to mean perfect. It’s doesn’t have to mean accepted by all or revered by many. Good just means done. “It is good” means that the inspiration has come, work has been done, and it is finished. At that point, the product is no longer mine to obsess over. I’ve done my job. I’ve accepted the challenge, worked it out to the best of my ability, and that’s the end of my job as an artist.

Create. Call it good. And rest.

I wrote similar thoughts about painting right before reading this post. You can read those here.

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Book Review: Big Magic

February 18, 2016 Pamela Stephens

Let’s talk about Big Magic by Elizabeth Gilbert. You may recognize the author from her best-seller Eat Pray Love. Her newest book, Big Magic, has taken the creative world by storm. It’s shown up on practically every must-read list and you’ll see perfectly styled photos of it on almost every creative’s Instagram. With good reason.

I have a tendency to not want to “finish” books that I really love. I hate feeling like its over! I’ll save one chapter or at least several pages so that I don’t have to close the door on the experience. The Nester mentioned this recently and I felt a lot less like a weirdo because of it. Despite my desire to “save” the ending, I finished Big Magic.

If you practice creativity in any sort of way, this is a must-read. Gilbert’s thoughts on how creativity comes to be and how it should be treated are life changing. As I read along, I realized I have been approaching my own creativity in the wrong way. Here are my biggest takeaways from the book:

Creativity is a gift to us, not to our audience. I realized that, especially with my writing, I always work with the audience in mind. I write such that they can hopefully take something away…be inspired or feel a part of something. Instead, I should be writing for me – writing to process my thoughts or get that big idea out there – not such that my audience is affected.
Creative living shouldn’t be hard or emotionally challenging. In the book, Gilbert frequently talked about the troubled artist, the martyr that sacrifices their own well-being for their art. She talked about those dark and troubled makers who think they can’t be creative without a life filled with turmoil. Gilbert’s take on creativity is purely the opposite. She said that if creating doesn’t bring your joy, then you should abandon it. I don’t live a “troubled” life, yet I do worry to death over how well I do things. Rather than worrying about the result, the feedback, or the end game. I just need to create, put it out there, and be done.
“This is a world, not a womb.” Gilbert takes a pretty no-nonsense stance against being susceptible to the criticism of others. She says we’re all entitled to our own opinions and undoubtedly someone’s will be different than ours. Without doubt, someone out there will truly dislike your work. That’s not what matters though. As creative livers, our job is still to create. Our job is not to coddle those who don’t agree or explain our rationalization. We must just simply create. And most importantly, we must do so with the understanding that not everyone will like it and that’s perfectly okay.
I hold on to the results much too tightly. In the past, I’ve always created with an end game in mind. If I’m writing, it’s with the hopes that it becomes an awesome blog post. If I’m painting, it’s with the intention of having some lovely art to fill a spot on the wall. I seldom create just do stretch my creative limits. By focusing so heavily on the result, I’m missing out on most of the beauty of the process. Since reading this book, I’ve done way more pointless writing and painted several more useless paintings. And that’s wonderful.

If I had to sum it up, this book basically says get over yourself and go make something. Creativity will come and go, and if you’re not willing to nurture it and give it a safe place to live, it’ll go somewhere else. Fear of failure or ridicule is within most of us, and if we’re not careful, we’ll let that fear take over our lives. I wrote a bit about my fear of painting recently and that revelation came from this book.

All in all, I think this book gave me the kick in the ass I needed. It reminded me that nothing has to be perfect. It showed me that I am often afraid of my creativity and that I shouldn’t be. It taught me that inspiration and creativity are magical gifts and that I should pay attention to and nurture those regularly. It was encouraging, real, and uplifting. Actually, I might read it again!

P.S. I took this photo in the bookstore because I read it on my iPad. Which do you prefer – real books or digital? I can’t decide!

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Creativity: Why We’re All Creative

February 11, 2016 Pamela Stephens

This post is for my “non-creative” friends. I’m currently reading Big Magic by Elizabeth Gilbert, and it’s so inspiring! If I had to sum up what I’ve read so far it would be, “get over yourself and go make something.” That’s probably just the message that I need to receive. It’s probably completely different from what others are taking away.

Nonetheless, as I read this book I’m realizing that creativity is so subjective. Not only is it subjective, it also varies with great intensity. So often I’ve been told, “you’re so creative,” followed by “I’m just not that creative.” I have always been flattered by that compliment, yet I’ve also always been taken back by it. I don’t consider myself to be “creative” in the sense that the word is always used, and I’ve never liked how the term separates people, firmly on one side or another – creative or not creative. While flattering, I’ve always felt that this compliment put a divide between me and the one speaking it.

As I read through Gilbert’s thoughts on creativity, I realize that we’re all creative. If you’re shaking your head in dismissal, keep reading. The thing about creativity is, it’s not some God-given right of passage that a lucky few are bequeathed. Instead, I think it’s a learned skill and a mindset. Bear with me here.

Sometimes we tend to group people into categories based on our limited information. However, I don’t think we can label someone as creative or not creative. Instead, I think creativity is about trying something. It’s about making something. And most importantly, it doesn’t matter if it’s “good” or “bad.” You see, sometimes we determine someone’s talents based upon how the masses react to their work. That’s insanely incorrect. Our job – all of us – is to create things based on our abilities and put it out there in the world. Some things will be revered by many and some will go unnoticed. The level of fame achieved by our work is not what determines its importance.

Furthermore, creativity isn’t just making world-renowned paintings. It’s not sewing a perfect stitch or designing a beautiful room. Instead, creativity is about making shit happen. All sorts of shit, actually. We mistakenly assume that creativity lies solely in the arts, and therefore if we aren’t master painters, then in turn we’re not creative. I must call bullshit here. Someone’s creativity might be communicated through painting. Yours might be in how you parent. It might be in how you dress. It might be in how you prepare tasty, low calorie desserts. It might be in how you rigged that shower head to not whistle anymore under pressure. Creativity can be anything! It’s a lifestyle and it’s something we all have access to.

On the flip side, I don’t think that we all exemplify creativity in our daily lives. For those of us who attempt artistic tasks, our creativity is a little more noticeable. However, just like any other skill, creativity must be practiced. We must train our minds to pay attention to our creative ideas and most importantly, we must continue to practice when our first creative attempts are a flop. Not everything we do will develop as we saw it in our heads. Not everything will cause you to walk away proudly. The trick here is to keep using your creativity anyway. Statistics say that you have to get it right eventually! The more we practice, the better we’ll become.

For me personally, my creativity is less about making wonderful works of art and more about just doing things. I just put words on paper (or a screen, rather). I sometimes throw paint on a canvas or draw things. More importantly though, I stack things together until they make sense to me. I just do things. I figure out ways to make things happen. If I need to reach a top shelf, I find some stuff to stand on. If I need to get 12 things done when there’s only time for 8, I find a way to make the remaining 4 things happen. I am proud to say that my creativity is less about my artistic endeavors and more about how I live my daily life. Creativity is not a room in which we can put the painters and crafters and designers. Creativity is a way of living life. It’s a way to make magical things happen, both on a legit canvas and the figurative canvas of life. It’s not reserved for the select few. It’s for all of us to use as we will. It’s not something that often happens magically though. It’s a learned skill, a way of life if you will. And it’s up to you whether you want to tap into your well of creativity or not.

Today, I’m waging a war against “creativity” as we know it. I forge this war in hopes that everyone will realize that there’s creativity of some sort within all of us. It may not be technically artistic, yet there’s a way in which we can all lead creative lives.

Go forth and do something creative! It could be as simple as sprinkling a new spice in your casserole or mixing a color/pattern that you haven’t tried before. I’m not asking you to rival Picasso; I’m just encouraging you to do something simple to tap into your creative ability.

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I am a good painter.

January 25, 2016 Pamela Stephens

For Christmas, my husband gave me a tabletop easel and some other paint supplies. He’s always encouraged me to paint more. Come to think of it, I’ve never quite understood why that is. I also got a beautiful brush holder from my mother-in-law and some new brushes. I had the makings of an awesome, new painting nook, and to be honest, I felt quite nervous about setting it up. I planned out the area in my head and neatly stacked all of the supplies there. I decided where to hang the brushes and what inspirational art to hang near by. I started looking for a tall stool and knew the lighting in the room would be great. Still, several weeks went by and I didn’t paint a thing.

Before receiving all of these fancy supplies, I didn’t paint often because it was a hassle to drag out all of the supplies, paint for a bit, and then put them away. I always said, “if I had a space for this, I’d paint more.” Well, after I developed a bit of a space, I still wasn’t rushing to paint more. Suddenly, I realized that while convenience did play a factor, the main reason that I wasn’t painting was because I was scared.

Here’s a section about fear from Elizabeth Gilbert’s Big Magic:

You’re afraid you have no talent.
You’re afraid you’ll be rejected or criticized or ridiculed or misunderstood or—worst of all—ignored.
You’re afraid there’s no market for your creativity, and therefore no point in pursuing it.
You’re afraid somebody else already did it better.
You’re afraid everybody else already did it better.
You’re afraid somebody will steal your ideas, so it’s safer to keep them hidden forever in the dark.
You’re afraid you won’t be taken seriously.
You’re afraid your work isn’t politically, emotionally, or artistically important enough to change anyone’s life.
You’re afraid your dreams are embarrassing.
You’re afraid that someday you’ll look back on your creative endeavors as having been a giant waste of time, effort, and money.
You’re afraid you don’t have the right kind of discipline.
You’re afraid you don’t have the right kind of work space, or financial freedom, or empty hours in which to focus on invention or exploration.
You’re afraid you don’t have the right kind of training or degree.
You’re afraid you’re too fat. (I don’t know what this has to do with creativity, exactly, but experience has taught me that most of us are afraid we’re too fat, so let’s just put that on the anxiety list, for good measure.)
You’re afraid of being exposed as a hack, or a fool, or a dilettante, or a narcissist.
You’re afraid of upsetting your family with what you may reveal.
You’re afraid of what your peers and coworkers will say if you express your personal truth aloud.
You’re afraid of unleashing your innermost demons, and you really don’t want to encounter your innermost demons.
You’re afraid your best work is behind you.
You’re afraid you never had any best work to begin with.
You’re afraid you neglected your creativity for so long that now you can never get it back.
You’re afraid you’re too old to start.
You’re afraid you’re too young to start.
You’re afraid because something went well in your life once, so obviously nothing can ever go well again.
You’re afraid because nothing has ever gone well in your life, so why bother trying?
You’re afraid of being a one-hit wonder.
You’re afraid of being a no-hit wonder . . . Listen, I don’t have all day here, so I’m not going to keep listing fears. It’s a bottomless list, anyhow, and a depressing one. I’ll just wrap up my summary this way: SCARY, SCARY, SCARY. Everything is so goddamn scary.

Specifically, I realized I was afraid of not being good. I was afraid of wasting money on supplies to produce shitty paintings. I was afraid that people would tell me how terrible everything I did was. Some of these fears are justified, as hurtful things have certainly been said to me. However, they’re not justified in the fact that by listening to these people, I’m choosing to live small.

The realization snuck in one morning that while I’m not a “good painter” in the regard that I paint wonderful works of art that are desired by many, I can still be a painter. I think a “good painter” is someone that insists on painting. I finally came to terms with the fact that I just have to paint something. Whether it’s good or not isn’t what matters. What matters, is that I make something. Anything. Good, bad, or more commonly, mediocre. Much like writing, the only way to get better at something is to practice and do it repetitively. The stuff you churn out in the beginning likely isn’t as good as what you’ll be doing years later. I don’t have to rival Picasso; I just have to paint something. Maybe, I’ll have something good come out of 10 shitty projects. Maybe it’ll be 1 out of 50. It doesn’t matter. I’m not painting to win any awards or support my family. I’m painting because I think it’s fun. And that’s what a good painter does – they paint.

Just as importantly, I realized that I’m not even necessarily afraid of how terrible something might be. I’m actually just afraid of what people will say. If someone sees a mediocre painting propped up in my house, will they say something hurtful? There’s a chance. Like practically everything else in my life, the fear of what other people will think/say has held me back from doing something fun. The fear of my feelings being hurt by someone’s unintentional (or intentional) comments, is a roadblock that I haven’t been able to drive around for the majority of my life. Basically, I’ve been letting fear control my creativity.

If you’re hoping for the formula of how I overcame that fear, I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed. As I finish Big Magic, I might be able to offer you some sort of “solution.” For now, I’ll just go paint something. I’ll slap some paint on a canvas without any clear intention. I’ll mix colors and attempt new strokes and I’ll hope something beautiful comes from it. If it doesn’t, that’s ok too. The goal here is to face the fear. It’s to know that the fear is there, and insist that I’ll act regardless. I’ll paint. I’ll dance. I’ll make something mediocre. And I’ll do all of these things with that fear running right along beside me. However, I know that eventually after “putting myself out there” more and more, I’ll eventually tame that overarching fear just a bit. I’ll live boldly and courageously and say with pride – I’m a good painter.

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