I open up my laptop at my little writing desk for the first time. I set up this little corner of my living room shortly after joining Hope*Writers, over a month ago. One of their first tips was to create a space where you write, and though I’ve heard that for years, I haven’t ever followed the advice. The couch is simply much more comfortable and required very little effort on my part. As I think more about this, the couch was also less threatening. If I wrote from the couch and nothing ever came of it, that wouldn’t be a failure. I don’t have to say “I’m a writer” from the couch. Creating a space for writing meant there was more at stake.

Now that I’ve invested real money in this “hobby,” it was time to get serious. I created a little desk area where I’d write. 

I had Zach help me hang the shelf my dad made above it, where I’d put cool art and such. I changed out the light bulb of the useless lamp in the corner and put out a container of my favorite pens. I’d be sure to incorporate decor that inspired me and a bulletin board for inspirational quotes, eventually. I did the first steps though. I made space for a desk and hauled in a chair and I could mark “writing nook” off my mental list. 

And then a month and a half went by and I hadn’t sat down there once. 

Today seems like a good first day. I just got back from the Hope*Writers Conference and it’s time to write about my trip and all the things I learned. It’s time to share stories and lightbulb moments and to share with the world what I’m going to do next! Maybe sitting at this little desk will make those words pour out onto the page. 

I’m already finished with my morning cup of coffee and I bring the empty cup to the desk anyway. Maybe its presence will help me to feel comfortable and cozy, even though it’s bone dry on the inside. Joaquin Phoenix stares at me from the cover of November’s Vanity Fair magazine and I can feel his judgment through the page. I don’t even know why I’ve left this magazine sitting here on the table. I know I’m not going to pick it up again. 

I remember once writing about not writing and putting down some words even though I didn’t feel like I had anything impactful to say. Maybe this is Writing About Not Writing: Part 2. Maybe that’ll be my life’s work — writing about absolutely nothing. 

Then a knock comes on the door. This is 2019. Who comes over without texting first?? It’s the neighbor bringing my mail she’d kindly collected while I was away. I welcome the distraction and then must force myself back to the keyboard. Back to the writing nook. Back to the place where magic is supposed to happen. Do all “writers” do this? Type and type with nothing to say. I keep doing just that, fully expecting something profound to show up on the page at any moment. Is it too soon to ask for Divine Intervention?

Today must not be the day to spill out truths onto the page. It must not be the day to tie up everything I learned this past weekend into a pretty package. It must not be the day that I’ll uncover what I’m doing next. It wasn’t the day last night either. I tried.

Part of me gets frustrated by this truth. The achiever side of me wants to be able to make something from the time I spent learning last weekend. I ache to be able to concisely and effectively pull together a synopsis of the goodness to share with everyone. Part of me feels like it was time wasted if I can’t do just that — present you something magnificent now that I’m home.

Then there’s a more realistic part of me that knows that I need time to rest and to process. That doing something is better than doing nothing. That sometimes we have to sit with and marinate over information before it can become useful. This side of me knows that sometimes it is slow and steady that wins the race. 

Today, I must simply accept that I don’t have a pretty, wrapped up product to deliver from the conference just yet. I must continue to reflect and ponder and trust that I’ll be able to pull something together eventually. 

But first, I must flip Joaquin over to his backside. I simply don’t need this type of judgement in my life right now.